No Romance Left

 "Are you willing to give up something you've never had, to get something you've always wanted?"

I croaked into the microphone at the conference, the women in the crowd silent and staring.

"This is a question that has rattled me for years."

It was open mic time at a seminar about change and chaos at my church. 

Change and chaos, we say, with a mean side eye.

This year has been truly awful for some of us, and now that it's over, it's still awful for some of us. What do we say to our best friends when the awful just keeps on coming? When, after grieving one loss, another pops in and sits matter-of-factly at our kitchen table?

"Just keep your chin up. Things will get better." We hope, anyway.

But what about that measuring tool we use to check in with ourselves. What about when we sit on the edge of our beds and close our eyes and listen to our hearts? Are we okay then?

I used to think that those sayings about things changing for the better were true. If there was ever a poster child for hope, it was me. Pink puffy hearts to you, I used to say to a coworker, jokingly. This was my official stance on life.

But what about when hope doesn't spring eternal? What about when the fuzzy feelings you depended on the Holy Spirit for are gone, and all that's left is you whispering Psalm 27 to yourself at 5am during your quiet time? 

For some of us, no romance is left right now: Is God still good?

There is only one way to find out, and it's as scary as they say it is.

We must let go of control, and we must wait in expectation for God's peace.

Those trite, Christianese phrases church-goers recited to us? True all the way.

There is no such thing as trite when something is solidly true. So that means we must let go and let God take over. We must utter to ourselves firm directives to "think on what is true...what is noble". We must remind God (remind ourselves, of course) that it's not our job to run the actual world, and that God is more than prepared to take on our most anxiety-ridden concerns.

Scary! (said in my most Halloween voice)

Part B to all this trusting God is to let ourselves be seen as imperfect, sloppy, messy. Discipleship is all of those things, as well as slow. God allows us to choose Him over and over, daily, and that takes time to practice.

So maybe the pink puffy hearts aren't around right now, but the Father is. He is waiting on us, though, to let go of control of everything, and to lean into Him. To trust Him. On the other side, we get to see how He comes through for us and transforms us.

The pain that leads to the gain.

Bring it, oh Lord.

"Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary."

Galatians 6:9